5 Hidden Barriers to Finding Love

Are you single? How long have you been single? If you are ashamed of your answer and you instantly become sad I may have some tough truths to share with you.

I have been single FOREVER. Well, it feels that way. Yes, I could have partnered with countless men but I haven’t. Why not? I could blame it on men being not good enough, which is my go-to rationale. These men I meet add nothing to my life, why would I decide to settle with any of them? I don’t settle in any other area of my life and I won’t settle when it comes to a partner. Or should I?

Listen, I’m not telling you to settle nor am I going to attempt to hypothesize why you have been single for so long since I don’t know you personally. I can only analyze myself, which I am quite good at by the way. As I began to really take a look at my behaviors and thought processes, I took the mature route and decided to STOP blaming everyone else for my choices and own up to some of the destructive habits I have formed. These are things I can control. I can stop doing these things if I want to. What are some of the reasons why I have been single for so long?

I am too busy dating myself.

I must admit I LOVE spoiling myself. I take myself out. I treat myself to dinners. I take leisurely trips to the museum. I go on adventures. When it comes to companionship, when someone presents themselves I tend to shrug it off because I am actually enjoying myself by myself. I tell myself that there’s no one who can treat me better than I treat myself, but the reality is, I don’t give anyone a chance to. It takes a bit of effort to instruct someone on the way I like things done and things that make me happy and I’m not too keen on doing all of that when I can be just as happy on my own.

I don’t have much love to give.

I read an interesting story today about a girl who worked at a pet store. She said that she dreaded when people would come in to play with the pets before buying them because the animals NEVER interacted with the store workers while they were in the store so when they were removed from their cages they were feisty and would bite or scream. They weren’t used to being cuddled and played with and it agitated them. She said they needed more human contact in order to show their friendliness. Same with me.

In all of these years of dating myself and dismissing men for not being good enough, when I do meet someone and I want to give them a chance, I am way too feisty, angsty and downright mean. I don’t have enough love being poured into me to offer to anyone else.

I expect to meet a mirror image of my power.

I realized a while ago that I hold men to the standard that I hold myself to. I recently met a man who wanted to love me and I gave him a chance. He would rub my feet and he loved doing it. He would cook dinners for me and I never cooked for him. He would tell me I’m beautiful and that he wanted me. I enjoyed all of that, but secretly I was annoyed with him because his business was not as grand as I would like it and he was content with that. Why was he content? Doesn’t he want to grow? Doesn’t he want to be great? I do! Why won’t he strive for more? Well, maybe he has learned to be happy. In fact, he said that he is. Why do I expect him to be bold like me and have dreams of shaping the world like I do? Do I even need someone with a life mission as big as mine? Why do I need expect that from him when he is not me! 

A POWERFUL woman will rarely meet her match and that’s probably a good thing. There are not a lot of powerful people in the world in the first place. In the second place, people do better with complementary personalities, not twin personalities. A man who would match my power would mean a battle for control, a battle for prominence, a battle for time and attention. This man had plenty of time to devote to me, pampering me after my rough days. Why would I want someone as POWERFUL as I am to be just as exhausted as I am? That’s the issue here. Once again, I wasn’t hoping to share love with someone else, I was hoping to show love to myself in the form of another person. Why? Because I NEED LOVE. I had to learn to understand and accept that I don’t need someone as POWERFUL as I am. Instead of holding out for someone who matches my power, someone who appreciates my power is a better match.

I dismiss men easily.

I dismiss men easily and I know why. I am very hard on myself when it comes to reaching my goals and I offer the same impatient attitude towards men. As an entrepreneur there is no one pushing me or holding me accountable so I must push myself or I won’t get anything done. I am highly critical of the work I do and according to my Mama- I am never satisfied. Maybe if I learned to give myself room to grow, I could offer the same to a partner.

I want it to be easy.

Being in love is scary. Being in love means being vulnerable. Offering your time and support to someone means that they have the power to treat it as though it is insignificant and that could be hurtful. Combining two lifestyles is not easy. Figuring out how to work as a team takes planning and effort. My days are filled with solving problems for others and I simply don’t have the energy to add more to my day. I want it to be easy. But since I can’t order a partner to my specifications on Amazon, there is no way that I can have it that way. Plus, the reality is with so much junk from my past still lingering in my psyche, it won’t be easy for him either! I want it easy but the truth is, I am not easy to deal with. Yes, love is built through laughter and pleasure but it is cemented through the dedication it takes to hold hands when anxiety, fear and self sabotaging habits demand that you run away.

**If you are woman who finds it difficult to allow love into your life, you should join our Loving FLR Leadership Coaching Program to help sort things out. If you are man who is fed up with being alone even though you know you have lots of love to give, join our Loving FLR Coaching Program for Men so that we can work through the weeds and get you back on track.