Are Women in FLRs Superior to the Men?

I received the most interesting analysis and questioning of my philosophy concerning Loving FLRs from a new reader. His questions deserve a public response. Just in case anyone else is confused about my perspective on FLRs after writing 5 books about FLRs and teaching multiple coaching programs, check out my insight.

Shouldn’t a Woman in a FLR Control the Man?

Q: You state: “A Loving Female Led Relationship is Not… Dependent upon kink, BDSM or a woman’s ability to control a man.” I definitely agree with the “kink, BDSM” part, but doesn’t “Female Led” imply that the woman “controls” the man. What else could “Female Led” mean?

A: Female Led simply means the woman is leading. A person who is a line leader doesn’t control the line. A person who is leading the parade doesn’t force the parade to follow in its tracks. A person who is the leader of her class doesn’t make demands of the people who are ranked below her. A leader sets the example for others to follow. A leader guides. A leader does not control others. A leader points the way and walks with those who follow her.

Why Can’t We Reverse the Gender Roles in a Loving FLR?

Q: You also write, “A Loving FLR is not a gender role reversal.” This might be true if you ignore the last several thousands of years of civilization’s history in which men were almost exclusively leaders. Why should that be an issue?

A: A Loving FLR is about making the woman’s happiness the priority and honoring the woman’s choices. She could very well choose to play a traditionally feminine role in her family or choose that he should make the majority of the decisions without her input. The key to a successful Loving FLR is to allow her to decide what she wants and to support her in creating her vision, even if that doesn’t mean reversing the gender roles. In a Loving FLR gender roles are obsolete. She decides what she truly wants and he supports her.

Aren’t Women Superior To Men In Loving FLRs?

Q: Another thing you write is, “Women in Loving FLRs are not superior to men and do not treat men as though they have no value.” Thank goodness that we have value, if men had “no value” then we would be worthless. It wouldn’t be called a Female Led Relationship if the female wasn’t seen to be superior in some way. Why avoid this reality and pretend it’s not taking place when it actually is? Why not shift the old paradigm around and allow men to learn to be humble worshipers of women who are naturally powerful, yet loving leaders?

A: I don’t believe that women are superior to men. I have met some women who I would never allow to lead me to the gas station so I can’t be sold on the idea that all women are better leaders or that they are superior. I also would not feel comfortable looking a young boy in the eye and telling him – “You are inferior to women.” That seems like abuse to me. There are a lot of smart men out there and the type of women that I hope will become leaders in our new Female Led Society will only want smart men standing beside them. In fact, what kind of woman would want to be with a man who believes he is inferior to her? Power attracts power. In healthy relationships both partners have sincere respect and admiration for being a successful team. Never have I heard one woman say- Oh, he’s inferior to me. That is a BDSM-lowly worm,-humiliate me because I am a masochist- type of belief. We don’t do that in Loving Female Led Relationships. You are thinking of Femdom.

Isn’t Love the Key Difference between D/s and Loving FLRs?

Q: You state, “Women in Loving FLRs honor the men who are IN DEVOTION to their relationship. Women in Loving FLRs respect men for being their unyielding support.” This seems cold to me. The way the men are described as being devoted to the relationship seems as if they are simply afraid to be alone. What about their loving devotion to the woman who they are dedicated to supporting because of the love he feels for her. Can’t that be the key difference that makes Loving FLR completely different than other types of D/s relationships?

A: Yes, love and commitment is a key difference between D/s and Loving Female Led Relationships. During my very first introduction into the world of BDSM, I met a man who was in a committed D/s relationship with a woman yet, she had a girlfriend that she loved and she didn’t love him. I explained that women in Loving FLRs respect men for their unyielding support because that is a remarkable thing to experience. It is worthy of respect and appreciation. Are you implying that I should have written that she respects him because of his LOVE for her? Well, I could have written that, but I chose to phrase it this way and I am satisfied by what I have done. Thanks for writing!

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2 Responses to “Are Women in FLRs Superior to the Men?

  • Te-Erika,

    Thanks for this QA. In fact, thanks for all the work you do on the subject of Female Led Relationships!

    Your comment about leaders setting the example for others to follow is spot on.

    In today’s world it’s women setting the example in so many areas for people to follow. I believe that, increasingly, men are recognizing that and in some fundamental way find it satisfying.

    Thanks again for what you do!

  • I agree 100% To me, BDSM and femdom are a huge turnoff, because they focus on elevating the woman and denigrating the man. If a man loves a woman, and feels that she loves him, he’s willing to support her and sacrifice himself for her. The passage in Ephesians (5:22-5:33) that is read at Orthodox Christian weddings mentions “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it” and in another place “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies”, reinforces that message.

    Love is not shown by insulting or lowering one’s spouse to raise oneself. Rather, through willing sacrifice, a man shows love for his woman and vice versa. In a loving FLR, she may be the leader, but that does not mean that she does not care for her man and give herself up for him.

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