He Tried To Hurt Me Because of My Stance on BDSM

While focusing of my goal of introducing the idea that women can and should be the leaders of their relationships I encounter obstacles along the way. My biggest obstacle, in my opinion, is the fact that when I use the term Female Led Relationship, a quick google search returns porn or other information that describes FLRs as controlling the man. You should know by now that I am completely against the idea that a man should be controlled by a woman. A man should control himself which allows the woman to focus on leading their relationship and family toward progress.

Because I don’t have anyone in my life who is interested in marketing and branding I reached out to a Facebook group that is always super helpful when I feel stuck in one of my goals. I shared with this group that I was teaching a relationship style that was heavily associated with the BDSM community yet I didn’t want it to be associated with kink and abuse. I asked them how or if I could do anything to change this perception to retain my message while still using the phrasing/branding that the BDSM community uses because I felt it was so great: Female Led Relationships.

Of course there were people in the group who were a part of the BDSM community and they wrote that they felt attacked by my post. Of course you feel attacked, you like feeling attacked which is why you are into BDSM. I didn’t even know you existed before you made the comment, how could I be attacking you? Come on! I tried to ignore them and gain insight from the many other smart people in the group who eventually DID help me to realize that my emotional triggers around how the term Female Led Relationship is perceived is just my fear about my work being viewed negatively. Basically, it’s all in my head. When I thought about it, it’s true.

So I let it go and decided to keep on moving with the work that I have done and hopefully one day I will drown out the association with the kinky BDSM community with MY definition of FLR without kink. I want women to understand that they don’t have to follow a man’s lead by default. They do have the option to be leaders and to have their choices and desires heard and respected by men. I don’t want my mission to be muddied by the overwhelming desire that kinky men have to be controlled and abused by women. It takes away from the woman’s interest in being leaders if they believe they have to be abusive and restrictive to men. I don’t know any woman who wants to have to force a man to love her properly, especially when she has so many other goals in the world.

To my surprise I received this email late last night.

In case you can’t read the image, Devan Nielsen wrote:

Hello, 
I’m writing in regards to one of your speakers (for the Alter.native Lo.ve Confer.ence) I came across who goes 100% against your mission statement. I would implore you to remove her as a speaker and cut ties with her going forward.  I’m a member of a marketing group on facebook and she posted a lot of hateful and ignorant messages towards BDSM. She herself has a stigma around an alternative lifestyle. She posted a lot more but I was unable to screenshot due to the post being removed by the admins. Your event seems amazing it is sad to see someone so misguided being represented and given any promotion at all.  *Includes 6 screen shots of my earlier conversation on Facebook*

My reply: Hey Devan. This is Te-Erika. I am the organizer of this event…

Basically, Devan reported me…to ME.

This man that I never even heard of before was intentionally trying to sabotage my career progress. Instead of reaching out to me to ask why I felt the way I did or to ask what he could do to help me to have a better understanding of what goes on in the BDSM world, he immediately went into aggressive attack mode to try to hurt me professionally because he felt offended that I wrote that BDSM was abusive. What else could I expect from him? Of course he would reach out to try to hurt me, if he’s into BDSM he likes hurting people. If he enjoys being aggressive and abusive for fun, I cannot expect that he would be gentle and kind to me.

This man that I have never met or heard of is ATTACKING me, trying to DESTROY my career over a post he read on social media that was not directed towards him or anyone in particular. THIS IS BDSM! This is why I stay far away from it!

I don’t have a stigma around BDSM. I have a firm OPINION. My opinion isn’t something that I guessed or heard about and adopted just to turn my nose down on people in the BDSM community. My opinion comes after years of being associated with the BDSM community and meeting people who are associated with the BDSM communty. My opinion is as valid and as important as anyone else’s. I do not have to be in agreement with the activities in the BDSM community to be deemed an open minded person.

I openly express that I believe the BDSM community to be a community that enjoys erotic abuse, sexy abuse and erotic pain. People in the BDSM community consent to abuse each other for pleasure. This is abuse. I will not change my stance. I don’t like the idea of hurting someone intentionally for fun. It triggers me and makes me upset. Women have enough to deal with in this world than to be surrounded by people who hurt them for fun. I don’t like it and I never want to be a part of it.

While I never, ever, EVER want to be personally associated with abuse because of my abusive past and the many, many submissive men I have met through my 4 years of coaching who crave abuse and will only respect abusive women, I still understand that people in the BDSM community have a right to like what they like.

I invited the Kink and BDSM community to have an entire hour long session during the Altern.ative L.OVE Con.ference because I believe their Alternative love is important too and they need a safe space to share why they feel that way so that others can understand them better.

Even though I know that BDSM is not for me, it is important that those who do choose it for whatever reason, be validated in their joy of consensual love for it. If it’s a proper choice, I can not have a problem with it.

I do hope that you will register to attend the conference which is organized by a woman who understands that her personal preferences should not silence the preferences of others. I LIVE my mission statement every day, Devan.

I am a leader.