Why Kink, Sex and BDSM Posts Are Missing From LovingFLR.Com
As I go through the surveys from the Loving FLR Readers I notice that quite a few people request that I cover topics like BDSM, kink, sex and fetishes. My answer is simple- No.
After having to close down my former site Conquer Him and implement a NO MASOCHISM rule for the Loving FLR Community, I have finally come to a place where I do not receive disgusting sexual messages from readers. In fact I have only received one this entire year. That’s progress!
When I interact with men through this site and they bring up kink, sex, fetishes, their desire to be completely controlled or BDSM I have an automatic impulse to delete this site and run away. It’s not that I am disgusted by this aspect of life, I am just as kinky as you are I am sure. I just believe that if this is what the man wants to discuss most often then he is not truly engaged in a Loving FLR for the right reasons and he is actually tricking the woman into serving his kinks and fetishes.
We have women who can’t stand up to abusers and these men who call themselves wanting Loving FLRs really only want the women to gain the confidence to cater to their sexual fantasies. This disgusts me. It makes me uncomfortable when I interact with men and their stories are filled with requests for being beaten, humiliated, controlled sexually or chastised. If that is what you are into, go ahead and be into it, but please do not attempt to discuss it with me.
I have no interest in guiding, analyzing or discussing what happens in your bedroom. I believe that what happens in your bedroom is none of my business and I do not ever want to discuss it publicly on this blog. If you feel the need to discuss those things publicly then I do believe you are looking for a porn site and Loving FLR is not one. If you need validation for your kinks and fetishes there is a site called Fetlife where people go to chat about kink and BDSM openly.
I am here to teach leadership and empowerment for women. I am here to support the idea that a Loving Female Led Relationship is about empowering the woman instead of controlling, punishing or catering to the man’s sexual fantasies.
Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle when all men want to talk about is their joy over being under orgasm control or their yearning to have the woman they love force them to do things. Maybe there are just too many men who define FLRs as sexually motivated and I will never be able to change that. I thought I could be an advocate for people who wanted loving female led relationships that had nothing to do with BDSM or forceful aggression but maybe I’m completely wrong. If I feel this way in the future I will walk away from all that I have developed here at Loving FLR because I honestly do not want to EVER be involved in advancing a platform that caters to serving men their sexual desires on a platter.
Creating informational products and creating a professional and polished platform for the face of Loving FLRs is so much fun for me yet, each time I get a request for sexual topics I have to convince myself to keep writing for this site. Serving men’s sexual fantasies is not what I plan to use my talents for.
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I have been in a female led relationship for about 20 years now. I also enjoy kinky sex with my wife. There seems to be a grey area between being the supportive husband to my wife, who wears the pants in our family, and my desire for some unconventional (kinky) fun mixed in. Here is an example of a grey area for me. I asked my wife if she wanted to have some fun and play a game when we went out to dinner. Often times she can’t decide what to order. I suggested that we play a game where she orders for both of us. She would get to order her first and second choices and could eat whatever she wanted off of my plate, or even trade plates is she wanted to. She loved the idea and was stoked to have the options. I love the subtle public display of my deference to my wife. If a guy were to do this to his wife, how would that be viewed? But if I want to do this for my wife and I “get off” on the public display how is that different? If it kinky?
I ment to day “Is it kinky?” not “If it kinky?”
Being honest with myself, I would say yes, there is an inseparable sexual component to FLR for most of us men. There is for me, and there is for the vast majority of other men I have spoken to.
Now obviously, FLR is a joke if it means that in reality the woman is only serving her partner’s kinks. That is the opposite of female empowerment.
The way I see it, it is a true FLR if the woman exercises real power on her own terms. In our home, I do all the cooking and cleaning, and I defer to her as the decision maker concerning purchases, household finances, travel, etc. My wife and I have had an FLR for the last 8 years of our 35 year marriage, and it works because she likes the perks of power.
What do I get out of it? Erotic pleasure. And there is erotic pleasure in every aspect of it for me. Doing housework while my wife relaxes with a book or goes out for lunch with friends feels deliciously kinky for me. Likewise, if I ask my wife for permission to buy something I want and she says no, I feel disappointment at not getting what I want, but I also get erotic pleasure from submitting to her authority. Note that we both win either way. If she says yes I am happy because I get what I want, and if she says no I get the erotic pleasure of feeling submissive.
My wife understands and accepts that my desire to serve and obey her comes from a place of erotic submissiveness. And I am lucky because sometimes, when she feels like it, she pushes my kink buttons overtly. She seems to have as much fun with it as I do.
Basically, I would say that our FLR is grounded in my erotic submissiveness. If I hadn’t revealed my submissive fantasies to her, we would never have found our way into a FLR. On one level it is an erotic game. But it is not just a game because for her the perks of power are real, and I don’t just pretend to cook and clean.
To me the idea of a FLR that isn’t based on erotic kink seems mysterious. I mean, for a relationship to work, there has to be a benefit to both partners. When I do the housework while my wife enjoys other activities, we both benefit. Her benefit is freedom from the drudgery of housework; my benefit is the erotic pleasure I get from serving.
But if strikes me that if a woman wants the practical benefits of being served without caring whether her partner experiences any benefit, it won’t work. Unfairness is fine if it benefits both partners. Otherwise, it is simply unfair, and relationships that are simply unfair don’t work.
You obviously have no idea what being a submissive is and only kinktards fail at not being able to separate kink from FLR. If your wife controls you sexual with FLR she is a service top nothing more.
Miss W
Is your post in reply to Darryl?
Kinktards?
Please don’t be discouraged Te-Erika, this site is a valuable resource.
I was searching for an article explaining FLR that wasn’t kink related & found this. Bravo! I did learn this term from a kink site but as I read, I recognized that I grew up where my mother led. My father wasn’t emasculated as some view it. I worked with a woman whose society is matriarchal. The men were like some Pagan I’ve known who revere the female energy.
I have, in the last few years, posted on profiles that I am more comfortable in either an egalitarian relationship or a female led relationship. When I reopened one account on a vanilla site, I added this on my profile. I’m surprised that I’m getting that a few think this is cuckholding. So time to write an explanation that kink & D/s are separate & can be added to an FLR.
‘The men were like some Pagan I’ve known who revere the female energy’.
Now you’re talking! 🙂
I agree with Darryl.
I do believe that FLRs exist without kink.
But believe most of those occur naturally. The woman has a dominate personality and both partners recognize her authority. Most of these develop without seeking to categorize or label it as a FLR. I have a great deal of friends who are very happy with this arrangement. They just don’t call it an FLR, its their natural equilibrium.
However, I believe that most men who SEEK an FLR are really looking for kink. Most submissive that want to explore a new direction in their relationship.I think most of these relationships are loving. I can speak for myself only as I have just introduced my wife of 25 years to the direction of an FLR. Nothing wrong with a loving female dominate relationship!
For any relationship to work, both parties need love and benefit. That being said, any and all femdom activities are at her discretion. I know I will not get all I am passionate about. This is simply respecting your mate, sharing your fantasies with the person you love.
I cannot imagine a one sided relationship surviving the test of time.
Just my 2 cents.
Peace