Let’s Take Back the Term ‘Female Led’

I try to walk at least 4 miles per day. It’s my time to reflect without feeling obligated to take action on my goals. Today I was walking and thinking about my fight to win back the term ‘Female Led’ from the bowels of the BDSM community.

Yes, I was introduced to the term Female Led when I was first introduced to the BDSM community and began studying what I found there. I was intrigued and delighted by what I found, people authentic enough to admit to what aroused them sexually whereas everyone else in the world tried to fit into the fake expectations of society.

I began writing about Female Led Relationships, interviewing those who had them, trying to find common themes, gaining understanding. After more than a year of study I realized that the term Female Led didn’t have anything to do with a woman leading and had everything to do with a woman controlling the man and focusing her attention on his need to be controlled and paid attention to, often in abusive ways.

I won’t even begin to name all of the abusive acts the men bragged about having done to them and the women admitted to performing to please the men. I wondered – If this is supposed to be FEMALE LED, why is the focus on being controlling and abusive to the man? What kind of woman would want to lead her partner to form an abusive relationship?

Today I saw this story in my newsfeed and I cringed. The story details how a woman by the name of Jordan Worth abused her boyfriend Alex Steel to the point where medics felt he was days from death. She first began her abuse by controlling what he wears and violently attacking him (sound familiar?). Jordan has now been sentenced to 7 years in prison for her abuse.

I guess being exposed to submissive men made me numb to his pain because I didn’t feel sadness for him. My immediate reaction was- the submissive men I have encountered would LOVE a woman like Jordan.

And then I began to cry.

Is this what I have attached my name to?

I have been working on removing the stigma from Female Led Relationships for years and still the term smells like BDSM shit. I can’t post videos on YouTube without them being flagged even though I never discuss sex, violence or BDSM content. I was banned from Apple Podcasts because the title of my podcast is Female Led Society even though I never discuss violence, hurting anyone, sex or anything but radical leadership.

The term Female Led is so beautiful to me. When I think of it I imagine a beautiful Goddess riding a horse, watching over her people as they happily go about their daily tasks. Yet, if you actually google Female Led Relationship you will see whips and chains and pictures of men’s private parts being locked in chastity devices because men think Female Led is all about controlling them and paying attention to their need to be abused.

Just look at this account that started following me on Instagram. It’s named Loving FLR, after my site, but I didn’t create this. If I created this it would NEVER have images or messages that focus solely on teasing or arousing men. It is so obvious that a MAN has created this. You men really enjoy the man’s version of a FLR better than a real woman’s don’t you?!

I feel disgusted by this. He is lieing! This does NOT empower women. This takes the focus AWAY from women and points it to the man’s penis! This is degrading to women. Look at these pictures. They are all using women to attract men.

You are allowing MEN to feed you these fantasies and then expecting WOMEN to deliver them! This isn’t a desire for women!

I have spent so much time trying to differentiate a LOVING FLR from the femdom abusive porn yet I still can’t break away because of people like this.

A Loving Female Led Relationship does not focus on controlling men sexually or teasing men sexually or restricting men sexually. It has nothing to do with focusing on men’s need to be abused at all!

I feel like—

Have you ever been lucky enough to see a beautiful bush of roses. Have you ever stood in amazement by how perfect and sweet it made you feel just to gaze upon them?

Now imagine that someone came over, cut off all of the roses and told you that these were only useful for toilet paper. How would you feel? The beauty of the roses being misused by society and wasted.

This is how I feel when I see the term ‘Female Led’ being associated with sexual control, BDSM and abuse. You’re ruining something beautiful because you want to be selfish and be abused.

Women are amazing. Women are Goddesses. Yet, when we relegate them to being tools to harness the sexual appetites of men we disrespect their beauty and the gift of their love.

The men obsessed with BDSM are ruining a beautiful relationship dynamic that could help improve our society and I’m working my bones off trying to change the perception but it seems fruitless. Men want Female Led to mean Female CONTROLLED AND ABUSED. I want Female Led to mean respecting the leadership of women.

I am trying to clean the roses off but anonymous jerks like the Instagram account above won’t allow me to. Should I just allow the BDSM bowels to have the roses and ruin them and go and find beauty elsewhere?

But look at what it could be! We could stand together to celebrate women who are actual LEADERS in society instead of leading a man’s erection. There are so many women doing wonderful things in the world yet the term Female Led as defined by the BDSM community only focuses on punishing and restricting men! We are missing out on aligning ourselves with excellence when we align this term with BDSM.

Look at Female Led Society on Instagram. Look at the power and influence we could have on our society if they understood what Female Led really was and it wasn’t flagged by every platform!

This is what I FEEL when I think of Female Led….

I don’t want to think of a selfish man being beaten or squirming in his seat because he is so aroused thinking of the chastity device he is wearing.

I want to think of FEMALE POWER!

For too long I have seen men come into the Female Led dynamic trying to force women to dominate them to satisfy their selfish needs and I am not going to allow men to continue to manipulate women into believing that being POWERFUL means CONTROLLING and ABUSING them.

A Female Led Relationship does not center around the man.

A Female Led Relationship does not center around the man.

A Female Led Relationship does not center around the man.

Stop allowing men to use you for their enjoyment. Stop abusing them at their request. Stop allowing them to serve you and pamper you when you never asked for that treatment. Did you request that or was that their idea? If you didn’t ask for that treatment then he is using you. Stop being a tool for their pleasure when they never asked you what YOU WANT. You are not here to please men.

Never control them sexually. Never punish them with abuse. Never give in to their demands.

Female Led means this is what I want and what I want is important. Female Led means I will not compromise what I want for what you want because I don’t have to please you. I owe you nothing.

Gentlemen. I know all of you are not here to be abused and I need for you to stand up with me and take the term FEMALE LED back! Stop following those pages that depict Female Led as tools for a man’s sexual satisfaction. Stop asking women to be your dominatrix. If you truly respect women, you will want to help her achieve HER dreams, instead of leading her to fulfill yours.

Whether any of you agree to help or not, I will continue to speak out against the objectification of women by the submissive men in the BDSM community. There is no power for women in femdom. Femdom is abuse. Men who demand/crave femdom seek an abusive relationship and that is not empowering to women at all.

FEMALE LED means giving her the space to decide what she wants and giving her what she wants because she knows best. Any other way you try to define it is exploitative to women.

We don’t deserve that.

Spread the word...

7 Responses to “Let’s Take Back the Term ‘Female Led’

  • ‘This is how I feel when I see the term ‘Female Led’ being associated with sexual control, BDSM and abuse. You’re ruining something beautiful because you want to be selfish and be abused.’

    This all made sense to me UNTIL I read your earlier statements.
    I’m sorry, I cannot recall witch discussion it was, but I’m quite sure you will recall it clearly.
    You stated that a man should let his wife/girlfriend have sex with other men if she wanted to(!).
    This is clearly abusive and to me; degenerate.
    This is certainly not ‘loving’ by any stretch of the imagination.
    It is exploitative, ugly and truly ‘sad’ in every sense of the word.
    I have no interest in sexual perversions, I have no interest in ‘using’ a woman nor being ‘used’.

    To me, you confuse sexual and emotional power with ‘love’ when you state a man ‘should’ allow support,and thus implicitly; desire, the above because his wife/girlfriend wants it.

    You might see why I type this out after having read…
    ‘You’re ruining something beautiful because you want to be selfish….’

  • Submissive desires are innate. You can’t wish them away. You can’t engage in the equivalent of gay conversion therapy for submissive men. It doesn’t work. Not long ago, for example, homosexuality was seen as a mental illness, until psychologists and doctors finally realised that people are actually born that way. It is my belief that a submissive man is born with a drive toward submission, too. It is further nurtured through learning to obey his first female authority figure – his mother, his grandmother, a big sister. And eventually something will happen – an experience or an image in a film or online – and the submissive nature will be triggered, and he will search endlessly for what he truly needs and desires. The problem is, nobody teaches him how or where to find a loving Dominant partner. So he ends up at a bar on fetish night, running around in his underwear hoping to get his needs met somehow. That’s bound to make anyone feel a little crazy.

    Let’s first address the topic of mental health. There have been a number of studies now on the psychology of kinksters. The researchers thought they would find a high instance of mental health issues among those of us who practice BDSM. They thought psychosis and depression would run rampant among such a community of deviants. What they found was the polar opposite. As it turns out kinksters have, on the whole, better mental health than their counterparts in the mainstream! People who are acting out their kinky fantasies are happier and more well adjusted than those who are not inclined to do so!

    And what you are pointing out in the case of the abused partner is trauma bonding. I have my own theories around trauma bonding. First of all the term was coined by Patrick Carnes, who was also the first guy to come up with the idea of “sex addiction.” Now any sex therapist worth their salt today will tell you sex is not an addiction, but a drive. Saying “sex addiction” is like saying sleeping addiction or eating addiction or breathing addiction. Of course all of these these things can be taken to extremes through compulsive behavior. But, put simply, viewing sex as an addiction stems from a puritanical view of sex. It views sex as an unwanted compulsion to be controlled rather than a normal, natural function of our minds and bodies. So Patrick’s views are problematic from the get-go. But let’s take apart his idea of trauma bonding.

    Trauma bonding according to Carnes, is “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.” A simpler and more encompassing definition is that traumatic bonding is: “a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence.” So, in BDSM we do use fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sometimes actual physical violence on our partners, and it does create a deep lasting bond. So what makes this healthy instead of abusive? What gives us all of these amazing life affirming benefits from doing things that otherwise would be considered wrong and exploitive?

    There’s one key ingredient here: CONSENT. Through negotiation, and an expression of profound desire, the submissive willingly acknowledges what is happening and gives their active and enthusiastic consent to enter into this arrangement. Just like consensual slavery and forced slavery are entirely different, so is the bonding between a D/s couple and those in an abusive relationship. They may look similar from the outside. But when consent and surrender don’t exist, things go bad fast. When those things are clearly present, there is bliss. So, trauma bond to your heart’s content, just as long as you like it and want it.

    Freud got it wrong. D/s is not some abhorrent aberration of nature, stemming from a bad relationship with your parents. Just the opposite. It’s a natural state of being, an effective mating strategy, it improves your mental health and can make relationships closer and more bonded. There’s a whole lot of science to back this up if you only do a few minutes of research.

    • Submission is different from craving abuse, which, from MY EXPERIENCE, these men who label themselves as submissive want more than ANYTHING else. If it were truly submission that they sought, they would not be sending me disgusting photos of themselves and rejecting women who would not berate or abuse them. You can spend all of your time trying to refute my teachings or you can build your own platform and advocate for what you believe is true. The latter would be more productive, in my opinion. I will not change my mind because of your opinion and I would NEVER visit your platform (should you take the time to create and maintain one) and tell you what you should teach.

    • You have to understand. I am introducing this concept to women who have not been abused and who want nothing to do with abuse! When they see men who call themselves submissive demanding abuse and degradation they will run away! Women need to be exposed to the idea of female leadership in relationships. They will reject it immediately if all men require abuse in order to participate. I am not trying to convert anyone. I am redirecting those who need abuse back to the BDSM community. I want those who have a sincere heart for women and relationships without abuse to remain with Loving FLR.

  • I fully agree with you Te-Erika, it is too much kink when it really is about love and respect and to let the woman lead

  • Te-Erika, you are 100% on target, as usual. I continue to be amazed by the force and clarity of your vision for Female-Led relationships and a Female-Led society.
    Thank you for all you do!

  • I think Viola Voltairine has a point, Te-Erika, because a sexual kink (as you would characterise it) doesn’t necessarily prevent the couple from experiencing a profound emotional bond in a relationship. I’m sure there are many different internal varieties (sexual and non-sexual) of behaviour and practices that exist in many relationships that aspire to achieve some form of female leadership dynamic. There are no doubt many different levels of expression that are unique to the needs of the individuals concerned and, as Viola pointed out, are perfectly valid and often based on a profound experience and adventure for the couples concerned. Either way, the result is a placing of the woman in the leadership role that attends to the needs of both parties whatever the particular quirks that accompany it. But, as you say, it must be female led and not as a result of male coercion. I respect your apparent distaste for all things relating to BDSM but I think a little crossover with the Loving FLR that you favour is inevitable to a degree.

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