I Can’t Find a Man Who Will Bend To What I Want

Dear Te-Erika,

It seems like married or attached men are the ones asking their partner for a Loving FLR, therefore the men are getting what they want and are still the ones in control and the women are still the ones bending for the men and doing what they want. Even though what they want is for the women to ‘control’ things as an FLR, it is still the man’s choice to participate. All the men that I’ve talked to want what THEY want, and will only give in as little as possible in order to get what THEY want. So my concern is that it’s STILL about the man, not the women.

There are so many decent women who want this, but can’t find a man who will bend to what she wants. Does it have to be an ‘equal’ relationship? Does it have to be about what the man wants too? This gets tricky and into men’s control because ask a submissive man or man that wants an FLR, why and what does that do for him? He lies when the answer is “to just make a woman happy” because it really is simple to make us women happy, but when men find out what it takes, then it’s beyond what THEY THOUGHT would make us happy and are not willing to do things that we want/need/desire in order to make us happy, for example walk along the beach with us, set up an organic garden for us, watch a show with us, clean out a cupboard/build a shelf for us or take us on a date to a show/TED talk we are interested in. The hardest to find is a man willing to move to another state or a different part of a state even though men claim they are relocatable–with the extra “under the right conditions” & you can bet HIS CONDITIONS are unobtainable & find out he isn’t relocatable unless it’s to a mansion a woman owns.

Being economically lower has many reasons that men don’t count like I have spent time taking care of my son and grandma and foster kids, and then got ill for a few years and never married. My socioeconomic status went way down and in my 50’s I don’t have the economic retirement portfolio that men have nor do I own a home right now, so men have turned me down for that. Even though I have a perfect credit score and can budget and save well, older men have blatantly told me they want a higher socioeconomic woman, who has her own retirement, home, career, etc.

There are many, many aspects that are what I deem unfair in the way men look at women, especially older women and I am hearing from other older women that is why they stay single, and count on staying single. Just look at the senior centers, so many stay single and if any are like me in being more Dominant then it’s really up to the men to be the ‘benders’.

~S

♦♦♦

Dear S,

The energy I feel while reading this tells me that you are frustrated with the dating game, frustrated by your social and financial status and that you identify as a dominant woman. This combination of factors will hinder your ability to create a Loving FLR for several reasons. As a dominant woman, you want things your way immediately with men. You have to set the parameters for your interactions and nothing else will do. Being a dominant woman hinders your ability to create a Loving FLR because most of the men in the world are not involved in the BDSM scene and will not allow a stranger to control or direct them the minute that they meet.

A dominant woman attempts to take control of all of the situations that involve her. A Powerful Woman, on the other hand, is given control by those in her life because they trust her. The issue I believe you have with men is wanting to control and make rules too early before you have established a friendship or before a man can fall in love with you and trust your leadership. You must demonstrate your love and concern for a man’s well-being before he will allow you to lead him. Your power is not automatically assumed because you are bossy or because you have a vagina. You have to demonstrate that you are a Powerful Woman by empowering your own life first.

Men who share that they are willing to relocate “under the right conditions” are saying that they would consider relocating, FOR A WOMAN THEY LOVE. A woman who meets a man and asks him to bend to her whims and do what she says immediately and then becomes annoyed when the man does not comply is a woman who wants a femdom relationship and there are plenty of men who want the same thing; for a short time.

No matter how much a man wants to support and serve a woman, if she has not shown that she cares for him and his well-being, he won’t comply unless he’s dumb. Men want to feel valued too. Expecting men to be willing to do exactly what you want them to do as soon as you meet them is a turn off for most men. Men want to feel that you enjoy them. They don’t want to feel as though you are choosing them because they are willing to bend to your demands. Men need to feel admiration for you to feel comfortable enough to say YES to you. What have you done that is admirable? Have you done anything for the men you complain about to demonstrate that your leadership skills are valuable? Are you even friends with any of these men or are you interviewing them to see if any of them will follow your lead on the spot?

When men tell you they want to serve, for the love of serving, they are being sincere. FOR THE LOVE OF means they want to feel loved and they want to express love by their service. A man who feels bullied and pressured before he feels loved will not want to follow your lead.

You asked- Does it have to be about what the man wants too?

Hell yeah!

A man who is involved in a Loving FLR wants to serve a woman who CARES FOR HIM, not one who just wants to bark orders and have him comply. It is a LOVING Female Led Relationship because love is involved. Please don’t expect to lead a man when you have not demonstrated that you love him. Please don’t expect a man to say YES to all of your requests when you have not established trust and friendship. That is his most important NEED that should be fulfilled. It is selfish to think that a man just wants to serve a woman and get nothing out of it. He may not get his way all of the time, but knowing that he is LOVED is often satisfying enough.

You are complaining about men and blaming them for not giving you what you want but men are not machines to be turned on just because you SAY that you want a Loving Female Led Relationship. If you haven’t expressed love to a man, you cannot create a Loving FLR.

If you want a man who will comply without you first establishing trust, positive leadership and love, you will have to go to a play party and engage in a role play with a man. In real life, men have feelings and they will not comply with a woman’s wishes unless they admire her, trust her and love her.

The best thing you can do is to establish yourself financially so that you can create your goals on your own. Be objective. Would you want to follow a man’s lead and move to where he says move to when he is expecting you to fund the move and cater to his demands and he has not even said he loved you? That is unreasonable and unfair. If you wouldn’t do that for a man, why should he do that for you?

If you really want to move beyond being frustrated by not finding a man who will blindly follow your lead, you should soften your approach with men and make a friend before you ever bring up leadership of the relationship. Establishing a Loving FLR with a man who likes your company and admires your leadership is much easier than interviewing men over the internet to test their submissiveness.

When a man does not want to give you a Loving FLR, it usually means that he does not feel safe with you, he does not feel loved by you or he does not admire you. Why should he? What have you done to earn those intimate emotions? Those emotions take time to develop and cannot be demanded from any man. Your wishes of having a man move with you to a new state, and take you out on dates that you enjoy are feasible and easy to achieve, but, a man needs to feel that you love him and will always have his best interests at heart before he will offer his devotion willingly.

Te-Erika

For more info on how to create the Loving Female Led Relationship you have been craving, order our Loving FLR Guidebooks for Men and Women.