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Why Does My Husband Want a FLR?

Dear Te-Erika,

I have a husband who is interested in an FLR. We have been happily married for 24 years, and though he wants more sexual attention, our sex life is wonderful and we are open to experimentation. He has introduced me to many articles and books which I have read; and I undertake the role on some weekends for a few hours of play.

This is not enough for him as he is truly interested in an FLR, not just role play. I would like to make him happy, but honestly, am not interested myself. He is a loving husband who is very sensitive to my needs – I do not need to “punish” him and do not want to. I want a relationship that is 50/50. But I do want to make him happy as he thinks this will make me happier.

I guess my problem is two-fold: Though I have read all he has given me and explained why he wants an FLR, I still don’t understand why he wants an FLR – is this just a way to remove taking responsibility for his own decisions? And, then how do I embrace his needs? Seems like if I am undertaking an FLR for him, then it’s not an FLR.

~T


Dear T,

You have the exact same concerns as the majority of women who are introduced to the concept of a Female Led Relationship by their partner. It seems that men introduce the idea without explaining it properly which leaves the woman to believe that she has to adjust her behavior significantly or play a role in order to fulfill his wishes. Thankfully you found us here at Loving FLR and I can help set the record straight.

Why does my husband want a FLR?

The answer to this question is as varied as the reasons why anyone would want a relationship. It would be best to ask him directly. Ask him what a FLR looks and feels like to him. Once you do this you will understand his motivations and you can decide how much you are willing to give in order to please him.

The majority of women who are introduced to FLRs agree to it because they want to please their husbands yet, this leads them to feel frustrated because they realize that they will grow tired of playing a role. You mentioned that on weekends you play FLR for a few hours. I can’t imagine that you are playing FLR because FLR isn’t role play like femdom, it’s an agreement. You can’t turn it on or off. Once you agree, that’s it.

A Loving Female Led Relationship is a relationship where the woman’s happiness is the priority. She is the leader in the relationship. She expresses what she wants and he honors her choices in all ways. He never competes with her. He doesn’t try to manipulate her into being what he wants her to be. She decides what she wants. She expresses it to him. He makes sure that it happens. She always wins and he is delighted to ensure that she wins every single time.

Men make FLR complicated when they have ulterior motives. The basis for every Loving FLR is – What kind of relationship does the woman want? She decides and he gives it to her. How does she want to be loved by him? She decides, expresses it to him and he does it.

Some men will try to manipulate you into thinking that you have to be mean to them, strict with them, give them tasks, punish them, control them sexually, dominate them or even abuse them. This is not the case. Smart women do not want to hurt men. We are too busy creating meaningful lives to want to hurt the man who has decided to love us. We respect our partners too much to want to control them. We love them for who they are and we value their opinions and unique personalities. We don’t want a blank slate to mold. We want a man who adds value to our lives with his own perspectives and character.

If your husband is asking for a FLR, ask him which kind of FLR he wants. You can determine his motivation by the way he responds.

He may say:

  • I want you to control ME.
  • I want you to punish ME.
  • I want you to give ME tasks.
  • I want you to allow ME to serve you.
  • I want you to be more strict with ME.

If he responds using the word ME a lot, he is asking for more attention. This isn’t a Loving Female Led Relationship at all. Although participants in the BDSM community created the term Female Led Relationship, they got it wrong and I am here to correct it. A relationship cannot be Female LED if it focuses on the man’s needs.

The BDSM Community will lead you to believe that a Female Led Relationship should be about controlling the man but it should not be about controlling the man. Being controlled by a woman is a man’s fantasy. They want to relinquish responsibility for their lives and it turns them on to imagine a woman completely taking over. These men are passing the burden of being an adult onto the woman so they can relax. That’s not cool.

A Loving Female Led Relationship is all about the woman expressing what she wants from the relationship and the man agreeing to deliver it without argument. When she leads the relationship she sets the pace for the progress of the relationship. She sets boundaries for the relationship. She encourages his growth. She exemplifies love by being his loving teammate and not his warden or dominatrix. Do not allow a man to convince you that you need to play a role for him.

A Loving Female Led Relationship is truly a gift to women yet most men present it as though the woman needs to change who she is, which turns women off from the concept. You are never supposed to be a man’s fantasy, he is supposed to become yours.

In a Loving Female Led Relationship, you should never be aggressive with your partner. You don’t have to punish him or control him or abuse him. If he is asking for those things he is asking you to be his dominatrix. Women are paid to do this, why would you do it for free? Charge him $500 each time he wants to play or tell him you have no interest. If being his dominatrix does not appeal to you then tell him that you don’t want to do that and he should never bring up the subject again. It is not your job to please him.

In a Loving Female Led Relationship you must ask yourself- What do I want this relationship to be like? How do I want my partner to interact with me? How can he show me that I am loved? When you have the answers to these questions you can then express them to him explicitly and expect that he deliver them.D

There is some fun involved in a Loving FLR when you decide to turn your desires into a requirement or a game for him. He will be delighted when you tell him that he must deliver your desires and you will check up on his progress to ensure that he does. Don’t allow this game to become a burden. Only play it when you want to play it. I assure you that he will LOVE it and even if you acknowledge it every once in a while it will go a long way in improving his attitude and motivation to please you.

Men who want FLRs like to feel completely captivated by a woman. They want to feel like servants and most of these men view women as GOD. They want to serve their earthly GOD in any way that they can. They typically have high standards for their work and will deliver your needs as though they are working to please GOD. It’s satisfying for them to perform tasks correctly and to be approved by a woman. Men feel a sense of euphoria when they receive praise from a woman. Your partner wants to know that you are paying attention to how he demonstrates his love for you. He wants it to be acknowledged often.

You don’t have to play a role or be his dominatrix. The fun part about a Loving FLR is he can make all the suggestions that he wants but you never have to agree with them. When a man requests a Loving FLR he is essentially telling you that you don’t need to please him because your happiness matters more. If it doesn’t please you to do something then you don’t have to do it ever again. Isn’t that much better than trying your best to become what he wants and feeling miserable that you can’t live up to his expectations? If he makes a suggestion or request that you don’t feel comfortable with, say NO and let that be the end of it.

If he insists, he is fucking up and being disrespectful. Tell him that if he wants a Loving FLR he needs to accept your decisions as final without argument. In a Loving FLR men do not argue with women or try to instruct them on how to act. By asking for a Loving FLR he is giving you the reigns of the relationship, asking for instructions for how to please you and expecting acknowledgment for his love.


I am a relationship coach that helps women become more assertive in their relationships. If you need help deciding how you can ensure that your Loving FLR benefits you or you want help building your confidence in your relationship TELL YOUR HUSBAND to register you for the Women’s Leadership Coaching Program and allow me to help awaken your inner Goddess.

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