Can a Woman be Too Demanding in a Loving FLR?

After more than a decade of being single I met a man and I felt it was a good idea to give a relationship with him a try. He was very considerate, thoughtful and tried his best to please me. I was shell shocked, honestly. I thought this type of behavior was reserved for women far away, but it actually happened to me. So what did I do?

I saw that he was eager to please me and he made promises to do more and I began pressuring him to do more- faster. I didn’t see a problem with the pressure. In my mind, if he made a promise then he should deliver it immediately- I mean- that’s what I do. I pressure myself to complete my tasks immediately and that is why I have the career I have. I don’t have a boss on my back so my motivation comes from within and I always get it done! Why couldn’t he?

Why couldn’t he?

Because he’s not me.

Our relationship turned sour- he stopped being kind, started telling me NO to most things I asked of him. It felt like a tug of war with me trying to explain to him that I need excellence and if he can’t step up then he needs to step off. My complaints became habitual and his resistance became stronger. We argued. We broke up many times. We both felt that this could not work out because we were no longer happy together. Each time we spoke, it was more complaints, him complaining about me complaining and me complaining that he isn’t doing what he promised.

So we broke up- again.

After a day of missing him I was really sad. I missed the man I met when we first got together. I missed how he used to do anything to make me smile. As I sat on the sofa with my face in my hands an idea came to me. I decided to make a list of 100 ways he has shown me he loves me. I figured my gratitude for him would allow me to get over him.

I started the list wondering if I could complete it; 100 things is a LOT. When I got to number 50, I was surprised that I was able to keep going. When I made it to number 80 I was shocked. I kept going until I hit 100 and I still had more thoughts of him but I stopped there.

This man who I had known for less than 100 days, had shown me he loves me in more than 100 ways and there I was demanding other things instead of appreciating him for what he had done. I sent him the list, apologized and he called me back.

It turns out that appreciation is what he craved.

I am very demanding of myself, I have to be, but he’s a completely different person. He gets things done in his own time, but they always get done. He was showing me love in the best way he knew how and I was demanding that he be like ME. Sure, I’m awesome and a woman of excellence but that doesn’t mean that he has to be MY VERSION of excellence. Just because I push myself to achieve doesn’t mean he needs that type of motivation.

Since then we have come to an understanding. Well, you may call it a revelation on my part. I don’t criticize him for his pace anymore. Instead I praise him for the things he does do and this seems to make him more agreeable and more enjoyable to be around. We haven’t had an argument since I made that decision and he continues to surprise me daily with treats and things to make me smile. I do the same for him. The more I show him appreciation, the more he gives me things to appreciate.

Te-Erika Patterson

The patio set he knew I wanted suddenly appeared on my porch. The foot rub I asked for happened without me mentioning it again. Dinner date under the stars- his treat. I couldn’t believe it. He listens and he will do what pleases me, he just wants to be appreciated for the things he does instead of nagged about what he has yet to do.

Yes, some men are motivated by strictness and controlling behaviors but other men just want the freedom to love you the best way they know how. If your partner complains about your demanding nature then it means it doesn’t motivate him. Try and see how he shows love without you demanding it, you might be surprised. He may give you more than you could ever demand from him.

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One Response to “Can a Woman be Too Demanding in a Loving FLR?

  • There is slow food and now slow love, or rather slow loving FLR ! The prudent process you describe is how I’m developing my own FLR within the context of a long successful plain vanilla marriage. I follow your advice: I ask my wife what her expectations are to be happy, to feel special or to be proud of me. Then I promptly do what she wants. I also ask her for suggestions related to what she’d like to do for entertainment, or what she would like to buy, etc… Then I promptly do what she suggests. I self-initiated doing much more housework, which is a big plus for her. I also curtailed bad habits such as communicating impatience in my tone of voice, or a blaming tone of voice. I replaced these with active listening and accepting her and loving her unconditionally. She tells me she feels more at ease around me. She talks more freely. But she complaints that our relationship is no longer equalitarian, which is a big deal for her. She feels that I turned into a servant, a domestic… I cope with it by jokingly calling myself “your humble servant” and calling her “your highness.” By magnifying the power exchange, I’m hoping she sees that in fact we both retain our humanity, our dignity and our equality. I’m also avoid doing anything without asking her if that’s what she wants: for example carrying her bags, massaging her tired neck muscles, preparing her dinner plate. As a result she is becoming more positive about the new me and I feel I already live in a female-led relationship.

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