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How Do We Separate Loving FLR from the BDSM Community?

As I grow this movement into the mainstream I am disheartened when I see that mostly kinksters and fetishists comment, like and share the posts I create. Their profiles boast names like sissy-master-slave and their pictures show images of men kneeling before women or sexual control and I cringe each time I see them. I have no issue with people being into their kinks and I DO realize that I took the concept of a Female Led Relationship directly from the BDSM community and redefined it. I did it because I was unhappy with the fact that whoever created the term designed it where the focus on a Female Led Relationship was not on encouraging the woman to lead but instead of fulfilling the man’s need to be controlled by a woman.

I decided that a Female Led Relationship should be LOVING and it should encourage men to allow the woman to set the pace for the progress of the relationship and her happiness should be the priority. I have spent the past few years teaching this concept and redefining Female Led Relationships yet, just because I have put in the effort, doesn’t mean the old definition is not more powerful.

I truly believe that women should be the leaders of their relationships in the fact that they should know that they can express what they want and require men to support it. All men in relationships should respect their partners in this way which would make for happier relationships all around. But women don’t understand that they have the option to lead their relationships so they chase men and are unhappy.

I want to tell more women about this concept but I can’t do it if they believe that this relationship style caters to men’s kinky fantasies.  A Female Led Relationship is not synonymous with femdom (female domination). Femdom is a BDSM term that requires the woman to be forceful with her partner, an arousing fantasy for many men. Femdom is rarely a fantasy or desire for women. Most women want to be loved and to be loving toward their partners. Femdom is a concept that caters to MEN. It has nothing to do with a woman’s pleasure which is why I do not advocate for it.

I have a YouTube channel with plenty of videos explaining the fact that what I am teaching has nothing to do with BDSM, femdom or focusing on controlling men yet most of the subscribers are men who are fetishists.

I want the concept of a LOVING Female Led Relationship to become mainstream without being represented by the kinksters, I am not an advocate for any relationship that caters to delivering the fantasies of men. What women want should be acknowledged and respected. Women should lead their relationships for the betterment of all people. Women who are leaders in our society need partners who will support them instead of compete with them. I want to help match women leaders with strong and supportive men for romantic relationships, yet Female Led Relationships are represented by images of kink, control, punishment and degradation of men.  THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM CREATING!

For those who are smart and understand my goals and dilemma, how do I distance myself from the BDSM community, kinksters and fetishists and continue to grow the movement for a Female Led Society without being overrun by men who want women to control, punish and degrade them? This movement for a Female Led Society is not about that at all. Controlling men places the needs of women on the backburner and focuses on fulfilling the fantasies of men.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I don’t want to give up on this. 

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20 Responses to “How Do We Separate Loving FLR from the BDSM Community?

  • Humanity is going through a transition period. To see this it helps to consider pre-civilization verses civilization. Natural People, prior to civilization appeared to be matrilineal and matriarchal. Some of these people still exist and over the last 50 years many have been studied by anthropologists. These people live in oneness consciousness seeing themselves as portions of life – a gigantic web in which everyone is a strand.

    To individualize humanity, divisive people where introduced. These people developed civilization a male led arrangement. The male ego, fueled by a higher level of testosterone was better suited to lead humanity into a way of life that makes us all feel separate.

    The level of individuality is beginning to get out of hand. Therefore, a new era is dawning. Many men are intuitively aware that they need to diminish their ego and step aside to allow the women to lead us into an era of love. Part of that process involves various sorts of humiliation that diminish the male ego.

    Could it be possible to utilize some female domination tools to diminish a mans ego while working toward a new paradigm that is based on loving one another. In other words, couldn’t your goal be to put the BDSM stuff behind us as the men shift their consciousness and adopt the more advanced Loving Female Led Relationships that we are heading toward.

    Personally, I am attracted to women who are natural leaders and ultimately I want to please those women without being beaten. Still, I do find it more exciting when the woman orders me around rather than politely asking. I’m not into BSDM but a little humbling does feel appropriate to me.

    As we go through this transition, you are a voice for where we are headed, and where some people already are. However, to include all the men who are feeling the need to be humbled and shift out of the male dominated culture that is destroying the planet, some amount of patience and acceptance of those who haven’t developed to your level might be a better strategy than distancing yourself from people who are headed in your direction.

    Thank you for your work. You are truly leading the way.

    • Lots of interesting points.

      Where we would agree, I think we approach from a slightly different angle, but arrive at the same place.

      For example….

      ‘To individualize humanity, divisive people where introduced. These people developed civilization a male led arrangement. The male ego, fueled by a higher level of testosterone was better suited to lead humanity into a way of life that makes us all feel separate.’

      I would say to establish higher culture, ‘conquer’ nature and the elements, a male orientated social and economic order was ‘necessary’ ie efficient.

      This resulted in the nation state, the industrial revolution and then the tech. revolution.
      The three resulted, ultimately, in M.A.D. and the Cold War.
      At this point, humanity could see the pinnacle of a male dominated society and a male orientated civilisation. We could all see male logic unbound by Faith or by females.
      The End beckoned….

      Thus, we are now seeing what a call the
      bio-cultural revolution.
      This, by necessity will lead to a Female Led Society (though it will call itself something else, not ‘led’ but perhaps ‘nurtured’ or ‘held/protected’)

      ‘Therefore, a new era is dawning.’

      Or as i put it….therefore a new era is dawning.
      😉

  • Oh Tia-I read your message and feel the frustration you put so well into words. Honestly, you have opened my eyes to new ideas of FLR. I have wanted this but like so many other men got titillated by the BDSM, FemDom, porn sites.
    Please keep on doing what you are doing. I’ve not jumped in your program with both feet but I certainly look forward to loving FLR correspondence.
    I have no other suggestions except stay the course-I am clearer on seeking out the fulfilling FLR relationship I want through your intervention.
    Thanks.

  • Thanks for sharing your feelings on this topic. I’m a woman in my early 30s and am just now beginning to learn about FLRs. What led me here was a series of ‘traditional’ relationships with men (boys) who were regular viewers of porn and masturbators. For years, I tried to normalize and accept this behavior, but something in me always felt it wasn’t right, though I could never quite put my finger on it because that behavior is so prevalent in our society. Through beginning to explore the thinking behind female led relationships, I’m beginning to understand that my intuition was telling me that they should have been focusing that energy on our relationship and my happiness instead of wasting it. Men who are allowed to become truly intimate with a woman who’s connected to her emotions and power know what a life-altering, empowering, rewarding experience it is. In return for what they receive from a woman in love with them (which is everything, even life itself), it is not too much to ask of them to direct their energies (now stronger and better than ever before from this connection) to enhancing the life of their woman.

    As I mentioned, I’m new in this journey and excited to learn more about FLRs and how they function on a day-to-day basis, but, as you mentioned, I have zero desire to wear black leather, whip someone, or even be condescending to him. Thanks for bravely leading the charge here. You’re an inspiration!

  • It is a process. You have to get inside the brain of the masochist and reprogram the brain. It is not easy to do and there might have to be some kink involved. As with other relationships communication is key to changing from BDSM to Loving flr. You have to work at convincing the masochist thatthe Loving way is the better way.

  • Is there hope for a man that wants to be a good partner to a woman and would like to separate the kink side of sex but has trouble with it? I think women are superior to men on their merits not because I have this fantasy of a Domination submission where the woman has total control over me. But I do admit it is a strong fantasy with me.

    • Don’t get discouraged. Real dominant women exist! We exist and we love our submissive men.

  • too many wars and killings in a male led world. brutality of war staggers my imagination. the male led world is one of loneliness, dog eat dog existence, violence in extremes as to never been seen in the civilized world.
    a female dominated world led by a SUPREME SHEIA will somehow have to reeducate the DNA of the male species. i welcome a world of peaceful existence of her, SUPREME SHEIA

  • I’m a woman in her 40s who’s into BDSM and FLR. I feel kind of offended that you think women don’t have kinky desires and fantasies every bit as much as men do. I’m a femdim in a 24/7 FLR and I LOVE it. We exist!!!! There’s nothing wrong with getting turned on by D/s. Don’t shame women more for their own genuine desires.

    • I agree that you exist and you may be proud of your lifestyle choices. Please remember that this is a platform that is dedicated to Loving Female Led Relationship without kink, aggression, or masochism. I have little to ZERO interactions with women who enjoy femdom. When I have met women who enjoyed femdom, the concept was introduced by a MAN and she followed along. We do not welcome submissive men in this movement because from my perspective submissive men ONLY focus on having their kinks met. After coaching so many women being dominated by submissive men who demand their kinks, I can no longer even bother to engage with a man who considers himself to be submissive. I wish you every good thing you want for your life but as for me and the audience I have grown, we are separated from the kink and femdom world intentionally.

    • I am glad to know there are ladies out there with this genuine desires, I would like to find one.

  • I really like most of what you write, offer, position; the manifesto stuff was a bit odd and I believe off tangent from how you have positioned the bulk of the rest of your material. And, when your material speaks for itself (the blogs, books, couples videos, etc.) it delivers the sentiment that you want FLR to be/mean. I think its really more of a branding/image problem, that the connection to, connotations of FLR are too interwoven with BDSM. You lead the image, change, that you want from kink, Conquer Him, to this…I think for you to achieve what you want for image and culture, will take another revolution/reinvention on your part. To move the title, branding, away from the moniker of Female Led Relationship to something more mainstream palatable, I think with each iteration forward you will get better and closer.

  • We as humans yearn to be in a relationship, which a high percentage believe they need to be in a relationship to find , have , happiness. With that , the human ego , can , does set a path of conceited , control, fantasies of how they perceive the relationship should go. Two people in a relationship full of love within themselves compliments each other, to make sure their partner is happy filled with love at all times. If two people are in unconditional love with each other . How can demeaning your loved one, show true unconditional love for each other. Having time single , along , a person can over come these issues, learn about them selfs what they truly yearn for , have faith in what they truly seek , we are mirrors to each of us what we see in your partners. We all hold the answers with in , learning , seeking answers can be very challenging, and what we see is not always pleasant. Working through , finding true self , then to share with the world is unconditional love , which conquers all !!

  • I absolutely understand your thoughts and try to fight everyday against society where confident women are either fulfiller of fantasies for submissive self-called slaves or are being pushed down by men with traditional values. It’s a struggle but I believe in the worth of it in the end. Hang on Girl, you are not alone.

  • I would love to be in a FLR 24/7 that involves a touch of BDSM and Femdom. I cannot seem to be able to find a dating website for that. Only porno/kink sites. I know ladies are out there with this same desires.

    • Create one. I created Loving FLR for people who wanted FLR without kink or BDSM. I saw a need and attempted to fill it. You can do the same if it means a lot to you.

  • I would suggest retry branding. My concept of female led relationship is that of a loving relationship led by a woman where as a BDSM relationship would be a Femdom relationship. I would suggest separate these by branding

  • If I may, I’m a hedonist effeminate male. and though my kink as a submissive is often synonymous with bdsm and such, my whole life has been with females taking the lead: Teachers, boss’s, gf’s, mistress’s, and of course, kinky friends online. To ignore the kinks, to indeed shame them, is to ignore the 99% who are open to the retraining you offer. Just because they were lead here by there.. ahem.. kinks, does not mean they run away because of what’s real…

    you have the clientele listening, use it! Please don’t shame us and ask us to go, help us learn and offer our help..

    • No where in this post do I shame people with kinks. I state that their overwhelming presence and celebration of their kinks will lead people to believe that KINK is what FLR is all about when it is not. I don’t want anyone to change who they are. That’s not my job to convince anyone that they are wrong for being kinky. I do have to protect MY heart and mental health and each time a kinky person joins and sends me disgusting sexual photos and messages it makes ME feel violated and bad. I don’t want that feeling and I will do what I have to do to protect myself from it.

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