My Wife Isn’t Happy No Matter What I Do

Dear Te-Erika,

I’m writing because I have tried to create a FLR with my wife and I do all of the things you suggest. I have asked her how I can please her. She gave me a list and I do them without her having to ask. She still tells me that she’s not happy with it no matter what I do. She fights with me for no reason, over small things that I have no real control over. She even told me that she was angry with me because I love my mother more than I love her. She was in an abusive marriage before me and I promised not to treat her that way. I keep trying but she is still not happy. What am I doing wrong?

~B

♦♦♦

Hi B,

My instincts tell me that your wife’s displeasure has nothing to do with you. You are in a relationship with a woman who was in an abusive marriage and she grew to recognize the abuse as love. She likes pain in the same way that masochists like pain. She doesn’t know how to live life without it so she creates pain in her relationship so that she can feel the emotions that she is used to.

This is the issue that I have with masochists and why they are not allowed in the Loving FLR Community. Masochism is never a stand alone kink, it is always accompanied by sadism because a person who likes experience pain will cause others to experience pain so they will return the pain to them in a sad, sad cycle.

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I do believe you are sincere in trying to make her happy but a man cannot make a woman happy, he can only enhance her happiness.

I applaud you for trying to love an abuse survivor. This is not an easy undertaking. If you want to stay in this relationship, you have to recognize her displeasure for what it is, her emotional need for pain, and don’t take it personally. Can you do that? Can you separate her reaction to your efforts from her actual love for you? Can you distance yourself emotionally from her attempt to hurt you so that you can hurt her back?

Don’t hurt her back. Don’t give in. If she is leading this relationship, she is leading it to failure so you have to take the lead. You cannot have a Loving FLR with a woman who is not loving but you can meet her where she is, have understanding and try to love her as best as you can until it hurts too much to bear. You were not meant to be unhappy. It’s okay if the relationship is too hurtful for you. A relationship is supposed to bring you happiness and security. If this does not do that, and you’ve tried your best, don’t become a masochist yourself by staying in a situation that is too painful when you have the option to leave.

I wish you the best. Please know that things will work themselves out. You can’t make the wrong decision, and again, your happiness matters too.

~Te-Erika