Why Must The Source of Your Happiness Be a Secret?
I‘m writing books, doing interviews, focusing on entertaining and inspiring you through this blog and my FLR YouTube channel. I spend so much of my time trying to educate and support you to develop a healthy relationship and be proud of it yet you are still ashamed of your relationship. Why? Are you ashamed of your Loving FLR for no reason?
Most of the readers who have reached out to me privately shared that they believe that there will be negative repercussions if “society” found out that they were involved in a Loving Female Led Relationship which is why they can’t share my blog posts, videos, support the work I do publicly, mention to their friends they took my coaching program or even allow anyone to know they are associated with anything that has anything to do with Loving FLRs.
This hurts me so much. I find myself lashing out in anger randomly at people because I feel like I am in a relationship with a man who says he loves me and shows it in small ways, but he has also asked me not to tell anyone about it.
I am a fucking awesome woman and you all are ashamed of associating yourselves with me publicly. This hurts me. Doing this work with Loving FLRs is impacting me in a negative way and I don’t know how to change this feeling. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes it makes me cry and then I feel badly about crying. After doing more than I have done for any other audience in such a professional way, I am not proud of myself for the work I have done here. If after 4 years as a Loving FLR blogger and teacher, my audience is still ashamed of their relationship then I am obviously not doing a good job.
For all the work I do to teach women that they don’t need to answer to anyone for their choices; that they should be bold and create waves and walk in their power. For all the time I spend empowering you to feel great about the love you want. For all the days I sit here creating professional content and products that represent you- and you still shrink in the shadows using incognito browsers to consume my content in shame. I don’t know what else I can do.
What is so shameful about giving love in a way that brings you great joy? Are you sure you are not just imagining that the world will react negatively?
When have you ever mentioned having a relationship that is completely devoted to the woman’s happiness and had people judge you for it? Give me a specific example.
If this did happen, who were the people doing the judging? Were they people you respect and admire? Who are you afraid of exactly? What are you afraid will happen?
If you are a woman in a Loving FLR are you truly a leader if you cannot boldly express pride in your relationship without fear of being judged? Women in Loving FLRs are supposed to be fearless and powerful. How can you be fearless when you have to lie about who you are?
We are supposed to be LEADING society, not following them in fear.
Men who desire Loving FLRs are supposed to position themselves to attract Powerful Women. How can you do that when you are pretending to be macho and proud and you really want to be meek and sweet? Men who are already in Loving FLRs but are ashamed of them are fucked up. How can you be ashamed to be connected to a PRIZE like a Powerful Woman? How dare you be ashamed of that! There is no one to please but the woman you want in your life, everyone else can go to hell!
This is YOUR LIFE! For as much as any of us know, you only get ONE CHANCE to enjoy it and you’re wasting it trying to please some invisible “society” that you IMAGINE will judge you for having the relationship you have been dreaming of.
Why are you acting like you are so powerless and the opinions of others control you?
Do they?
Are you submissive to society? Why? Has “society” pledged to love you and protect you? Has “society” given any effort toward offering you support for your dreams? Why does “society” get more respect than your dream life does? Why must the source of your happiness be a secret?
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Because it’s related to several kinks in most cases
Damnnn! That makes so much more sense to me! All this time I am thinking of Loving FLRs as strictly a loving relationship and I didn’t understand why people think it’s shameful. But now I see. No matter how much work I do to make this relationship style healthy and normal, people will ALWAYS consider it to be a kink based relationship style! So it will ALWAYS be shameful? WOW!
Ma’am I want to share my relationship in the wrist way but I will get harassed if I do
Who will harass you? How?
Ms Patterson, Perhaps it would help to hear from your husband/Partner?
I am single. I also don’t completely understand the shame others feel about their choices being judged by society. I don’t know what that is like.
Perhaps, as Ed Shane stated, Loving FLR is still to closely associated with Femdom activities, as much as you try to disassociate it. Most still see it as a fetish rather than a legitimate lifestyle choice? I think it will take many years to clarify the differences. You are fighting long ingrained perceptions. Bravo to you for your fight. It might also help to practice what you preach?
It may help to practice what I preach but as every grown up knows, you can’t rush a relationship or pull one out of a hat. Plus, I love being single and as many single men as I meet through this site and my dating adventures, not one is even remotely what I would want or need in my life.
But yes, I had not considered that this was still viewed as fetish. Although I openly discuss my fetishes and kinks and do not fear judgment, I must realize that most do not do that.
Te-Erika, I know you have rules about what you allow to be posted here. Please read this with an open mind and consider allowing it to be posted.
I want to chime in here because I have a life time of experience with FLR and kink.
I have always been subservient to my wife. Ever since college I have taken care of her and followed her lead in so many ways.
When we had our second child, I became a stay at home dad to focus on raising the children and taking care of our family. I became the house husband to my wife and took care of most things domestic. My wife and I played with kink on the side, but it wasn’t a part of our day to day relationship.
For years I dreamed about becoming a full time submissive to my wife. Loyal, devoted, protective as well as disciplined and kept in my place in a kinky kind of way.
Over the last five years I became depressed. I was submissive to my wife, but I didn’t know how to get my kinky needs met, so my service to her became a chore. I became very unhappy and resentful.
After many failed attempts, I finally found a really good therapist who has helped me understand my needs and how to get them met. What a revelation. With that support, and a supportive kinky community, I have blossomed. I have come out to my children, scary, but totally worth it, as well as some of my friends. When I told my kids that I am a submissive masochist they didn’t even know what that was. btw, my kids are adults and they deserve to know. It feels good to be out about who I am, but it was terrifying to do.
I now happily serve my wife and follow her in exchange for kinky play that interleaves with our lives. In short, she now makes rules for me to follow. If I forget or disobey, there are consequences. I will be punished.
There is nothing wrong with this lifestyle. Think of it as being on the continuum of a FLR where a wife simply wears the pants in the family to the more extreme of the husband being under stricter control of his wife. Many christian relationships are modeled this way, only in reverse. Google it, it’s surprising how many christian wives are spanked!
In closing, my wife works her ass off and is a great provider to our family. She is a power woman in her career and couldn’t do that if I wasn’t willing to play my role. It works, it works so well…
Martin
Hi. I absolutely respect your ability to understand your kink and embrace it openly. If you describe your relationship as service IN EXCHANGE for kink then you have a FEMDOM relationship and that is not something I advocate or embrace in my teaching of Loving FLRs. You being here as a part of this community is the reason why those who have sincere Loving FLRs will never be able to come out. Since you associate yourself with what we are doing here, you dilute my primary teachings that a FLR can and should exist without being REQUIRED to offer kink in exchange. You just confirmed my angst about promoting this in the mainstream. There is no way I can continue to try to promote Loving FLRs publicly. if men like you continue to associate yourself with it.
Now my only issue is- I don’t EVER do anything I am ashamed of and I am not ashamed of anything I do, but placing myself in the midst of this relationship style that is so heavily connected to men like you who require kink for supporting a woman is not something I want to represent.
My reply is intended as respectful.
For decades my wife and I practiced a FLR without kink being an element. I didn’t require it in order to follow my wife’s lead. And I still don’t require it to do as she asks on a daily basis. The kink element was a desire of mine, but not a requirement.
Over time, I found that NONE of my needs were being met and those needs built up inside of me to the point that I just burst at the seams. I never understood how to meet my own needs and it’s not as simple as it sounds.
That being said, I respect you and your work. The work you do is wonderful and important for the advancement of women in creating a fair and balanced society. If you would rather I leave the forum, I will honor your choice and refrain from posting. If you allow me to stay, I promise not to post anything further about kink play or Femdom.
Please let me know your decision and I will abide by it.
Regards,
Martin
You can stay. I understand that your story was respectful. If your needs were based on kink, then of course a kinkless relationship was not going to meet your needs. You don’t have to defend your femdom relationship. It is what it is. It’s about you. It is not a Loving FLR. If she stopped giving you your kinks, you would suspend your service. That is femdom.
I think FLR is associated with Femdom, which seems to be the last taboo relationship and/or sexuality. Gays are out, trans are out, even Male Domination is out due to those cheezy 50 Shades movies; but Femdom is still taboo. Many people lump FLR with Femdom, without realizing that it may or may not have elements of kink and D/s woven in depending on the couple, and it probably looks nothing like Femdom porn. Give it time though, society will come around.
I agree that society will come around, Christine. In the meantime, there is something off about me representing people who feel ashamed of their choices. It doesn’t feel good to me and it hurts me. In real life I would never be around anyone who does things they feel ashamed of. How can I proudly represent people who are ashamed of themselves? I don’t know how to reframe this in my mind so that it’s okay. All suggestions welcomed!
Secret or Personal Knowledge reserved for those that are close?
Personally, I have no shame in who I am and my public persona is somewhat reserved in large part because the woman I am with does not want to look as though her man is a wimp! Even you refer to submissive males as being two-faced. I am macho in the manly things I do. Running marathons, swimming across the bay, facing a death and a deadly disease all require strength of character. And I would add it takes even more to give oneself fully to the authority of the woman he loves. And you have said there is no single playbook, a man pleases her in the manner that she wants, so who says she has to publicly lead society? Should she not be allowed there pick her own battles, and still enjoy the fruits of a FLR with a gentleman?
Please don’t get me wrong, I get your position and applaud you for it! I once ha a profile where I said, I felt part of who I am should go beyond serving my parter to include serving the female gender through this transitional phase so women could be known and seen as leaders in every walk or role in life.
And while it is true that my responses and orders come from a secondary email, your email comes to both because reading your blog and and the posts that are made there is a priority in my life! But by the same token, I never even think about sharing the personal aspects of my love-making with another man. We just don’t have those kind of convert. But that doesn’t make me feel like I am serving any judgmental society! On the contrary, I celebrate being on the cutting edge where our focus can “openly be about pleasing her” without telling the world.
Respectfully,
Johann
Te-Erika,
First, you are THE Goddess. You saved my marriage. My wife is now my Goddess.
But on this you have to understand we don’t all live in L.A., we don’t all have accepting friends and co-workers.
I am in an FLR. I credit your work for saving my marriage. And I am also a bi-sexual male. I am not accepted by heterosexuals but because I don’t fit the stereotype many in the LGBT community want me to fit I am not accepted there terribly well either. Most see me as gay but haven’t accepted it yet. I am attracted masculine men and feminine women. Apparently I have to be attracted to the entire TV/TS/TG community to be accepted.
I am a manager to people who are more than a bit rough around the edges. Men and women. If any knew I was submissive to my wife or that I have had boyfriends I would not be accepted. You work is awesome. Please don’t take it as an insult. It is not meant that way.
Thank you for your encouragement. I didn’t understand. Now I do.
I just learned about your website and your campaign yesterday. I’m slowly reading through the posts, and while I agree with much of what you write, I am saddened that you feel frustrated that your work isn’t being recognized and people aren’t sticking by you – walking the walk but not talking the talk.
It seems you are single handedly trying to carve out a niche already occupied by femdom circles. Apart from guys like Michael Ellsberg who talks about wife worship, wife worship and FLR is pretty much about putting men down. I’m just touching the tip of the iceberg, but I wanted to encourage you to continue your good work, take time out for self-care so as not to let the frustration eat you alive.