My Husband and I Play the Roles We Really Want to Play

I am a college professor who lives in Madison, Wisconsin and just turned 52. I have been married for 24 years with my loving and devoted husband. We have two kids, who have both gone off to college and other places. We miss them, but we’re taking advantage of our time alone and enjoying more theater and live music, including weekend trips to bigger cities. I love to travel, and my work has taken me all over the world.

My husband and I met and fell in love in graduate school. We could see that other academic couples had a hard time finding jobs in the same city, unless one person, usually the woman, was less ambitious. He told me that if I wanted a tenure-track job, he’d go wherever I got one. He’d be happy working as an adjunct and playing the supporting role for my career. I believed him, because he loved to cook and do housework. He even likes grocery shopping, which I can’t stand. We hadn’t heard the term FLR, but that’s what we’ve had from early on. When the kids came along, we shared the work pretty equally. During the pregnancy (of course) and first months I did more and took some time off, but afterward he was the one with more flexible schedule.

I’ve never felt constrained in my career. I can work late, travel, and pretty much do what I want, knowing that my husband is doing what he wants. His teaching is fulfilling for him, but his real calling in life is doing whatever I need him to do. I would have been willing to share the cooking and housework, but I’m happy let him take care of all that. I do manage our finances, partly because I’m better at doing it, but also because I like being on top of them. As for decision making, we decide all important financial and parenting matters together, but in other areas, when we disagree, I know I can have the last word if I want to. I don’t “pull rank” very often, but I appreciate knowing that I can. When I do, my husband is disappointed at first, but that disappointment quickly fades, and he loves seeing me assert myself in this way. He won’t pretend to prefer ballroom dancing to football, but if I put my foot down, he’ll not only be happier watching the dancing with me, he’ll ask me if he can rub that foot.

The best thing is that both my husband and I are able to play the roles that we really want to play. The challenge is dealing with societal expectations, and especially the expectations of some of our extended family. The fact that I didn’t change my name when I got married is somehow noteworthy. My husband wishes that he had taken my last name, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Last month, my colleague was visiting from London. She was giving a talk in my department. She is a friend I’ve collaborated with over the years, but she’d never met my husband. When she came over for dinner, she was blown away by how he prepared everything so beautifully. We had a great time from the hors d’oeuvres on the deck to the after-dinner drinks in the living room. My husband was charming and attentive without being subservient. There was something so natural about how he handled everything and let us enjoy our time together. My friend’s partner, a woman, also plays a supporting role for her and her career. Now that we are all empty nesters, we want to get them together.

He’s secure of his masculinity, a strong and tough guy who enjoys chopping wood one minute and ironing my blouses the next. For a man, he is not a bad listener, and he’s never envious of my success or my opportunities to do things like travel to so many places. He enjoys my trips vicariously and wants to hear all about them, and he loves to be the one that I can always count on. He’d do anything for me.

For women, I’d say that if you really want to pursue your career and have a sane family life, there are definitely men who would love the chance to switch the traditional roles. They don’t have to be househusbands. They can work. They just can’t be in careers that are too demanding of their time. For many men, there is nothing sexier than a confident and assertive woman.

You can let your man tell you about this fantasies, but that doesn’t mean he should expect you to fulfill them. I’m not much for role play anyway, but knowing a few of my husband’s fantasies gives me insight into him, and it is a way for him to open up to me and be a little vulnerable. That in itself is exciting for him. But if his fantasies enter a realm that you are uncomfortable with, you need to let him know that there are certain things he needs to keep to himself.