I’m Afraid to Be in a FLR
Dear Te-Erika,
With her needs as a priority in a Female Led Relationship, I am concerned that my needs might not get the attention and support they need.
~M
Dear M,
Men who are afraid of a Loving Female Led Relationship have probably spent a lot of time combing the internet for information about Loving FLRs and they have found that MOST of the websites depict FLRs as sadistic relationships where they are denied and controlled. Sadly, MOST websites depict the concept of a FLR as painful because masochistic men have created the websites so that they can find support for their fantasies of being abused and neglected. Masochists enjoy pain and humiliation, both physical and emotional but that is not what a Female Led Relationship is truly about. I had to change the title to LOVING Female Led Relationship to mark the difference between what the masochist submissive men want and this beautiful relationship dynamic where men can be true heroes to women that they love.
A Female Led Relationship is a relationship you both agree to because you enjoy it. It is called Female Led because her happiness is at the CENTER of the relationship as opposed to traditional relationships where the woman’s desires are usually considered secondary to the man’s. This relationship style empowers women by ensuring that they are SEEN & HEARD. Women have a VOICE and their voices are RESPECTED in Loving Female Led Relationships. Too often women feel like their needs are disregarded or ignored and they become resentful, withholding the sincere love that they could give to a man who cared about their needs. In a Loving FLR, the woman is free to love him MORE.
In a Loving Female Led Relationship, the man’s concerns are valid and the woman takes great care to make sure he’s happy as well. He is ensuring her happiness so that she can be FREE to create a happy home for BOTH of them. A Loving FLR is not a dictatorship. In fact, a man in a Loving FLR is a HERO in her eyes.
A man in a Loving FLR will never have to do anything he does NOT want to do. Men who are in relationships where the woman is neglecting their needs and abusing their trust are NOT in Loving Female Led Relationships. Usually, men in FLRs want to please the woman because it makes him happy to do so. In return she is free to love him from the core of her being without resentment. I understand your fears, but with the right woman, you should have NO FEARS.
If you have any other questions or want to chat in depth about your concerns, feel free to join the FLR Coaching By Email program and I can chat with you privately!
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It makes sense because a woman is known to have a greater emotional IQ. This makes her a better calibrator of sharing power.
Looking at communities that are led by females, one can see long term positive effects.
The combination of tender heart in us and fierceness that emanates from the female species is proven.
As a male (older and widowed and now in a relationship ) I believe I can accept a FLR if brought up by my girlfriend with the following
Assumptions:
* We are both Adults. This means we act like Adults and treat each other like adults. We do our own dressing, selecting of food at a restaurant, set our own bedtime, and set up our own wake up time
* This is a monogamous relationship. Any cheating breaks the agreement no questions asked
I would give her control (lead) of the relationship with the following exceptions:
1) Finance. Since I am more qualified in finance I maintain the common pot’s finances. I would determine the amounts each of us contribute to the common pot, which would be gone over with a relationship team meeting. I would be responsible for paying the common bills setting aside funds for common vacations/donations/social events. I would be accountable to share the income and expenses on a regular basis so there are no surprises in the common pot.
2) Household chores would be done together. No one likes to do chores especially when doing them alone while the other relaxes. This would ensure both are contributing equally for the common good. Exceptions would be when one partner had to work excessive hours. In that case it should be obvious the other partner needs to take on more of that chore )or determine what can slide for the time being). This help with the theory of “Many hands make light work”. It also solves the problem of quality because both are contributing. If one partner feels the other is not giving their full effort this can be brought up then or at the weekly meeting. When bring it up it should not be brought up in anger because there could be reasons that are not obvious and need to be taken care of.
3) On tasks led by one person, the other person would have a veto. This would be invoked then that person would calmly explain why they invoked it. Then both would work together to come to a common understanding so the issue can move forward. The person issuing the veto has a responsibility to express the objection and some acceptable solutions. They need to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. If an excessive number of vetoes are issued the leader can request an immediate meeting to find out why the lack of confidence in the decisions. The vetoer needs to calmly explain the situation. If it is an emotional issue then both will need to address the root of the problem and then revisit all the decisions vetoed after the root cause is fixed. If mental health is the issue then a control (of all issues) can take place for a determined period of time and all things revert to joint decisions.
Bedroom:
1) She would get to request sex at any time and the type of sex. The male would get veto privilege on this. If a veto is given an explanation should be calmly given and she should respect it. At the weekly meeting both can discuss alternatives if the objections was to the type of sex. If the male has a personal hard objections she should respect it and not bring it up repeatedly. Wait a longer period and bring it up in a meeting to see if the objection still exists.
2) Since the male has ED, when he has a condition favorable to sex in the bedroom he gets to request sex. Now she can veto it and then calmly explain why. It can be discussed at the weekly meeting because of the medical condition does not allow the favorable condition often.
3) No chastity cages or orgasm denial for either. We are adults.
4) Masturbation is allowed, but consideration should be given to not doing this at a time that could impede sex in the bedroom
5) Porn – No restrictions but discouraged. We should use the common sense would you want your relatives to know the frequency? If porn becomes an addiction then then both agree the offending party needs to seek professional help. Professional help never includes chastity devises for either.
6) Neither side forces the other person to dress in any clothes of the opposite gender. Fun times exist but initiated by the person affected only!
Humiliation/Punishment situations – Not to happen
1) If a verbal humiliation happens in public it is to stop immediately as soon as the offended party says so. At this time the person doing the humiliation MUST apologize in a tone that is heard by the group that heard the humiliation. When both get home consequences for the offending party will happen per the relationship agreement.
2) If the verbal humiliation happens in private – follow the same as public but to the person offended. Immediately then go the consequences in the relationship agreement
3) If physical Punishment/Humiliation happens in Public or Private. The situation immediately stops. The offender immediately apologizes. If in public they lose control privileges and it transfers to the person offended. At home consequences for the offending party will happen.
4) Neither side is allowed to ask for a BDSM arrangement period. Violates the spirit of the consent of the agreement.
Dissolving the Agreement
1) Either side can dissolve the agreement. If the relationship wants to be continued then it will have all decisions jointly decided including the bedroom. If not then both sides will calmly take what they brought into the relationship and then divide equally the common pot assets
2) Cheating on the other person immediately dissolves the agreement. If the relationship continues you go back to square 1 because trust goes back to step 1.
This should have then generalities covered
You can remove my post. My girlfriend and I after much investigating on the internet feel that FLRs are not for our lifestyle.
I am confused while looking at FLRs. In a partnership model the man places the woman’s happiness as his first priority so there is no difference here. The big difference is that in a partnership model the woman places the male’s happiness as her first priority. That does not necessarily happen in a FLR. I know making decisions jointly may not be the most efficient, but it always has both parties discussing the decision from a position of strength. Compromise is not a bad word. This old man getting back into dating is going to use the partnership model. It’s fair for both.
So it appears that Female Led Relationships are really a subset of the Dominant/Submissive relationships in that the female takes on the dominant role and the male the submissive role.