The Level of Control I Have Over My Husband May Be Abusive
My FLR relationship with my husband is evolving. I was just on a college campus on a business trip, and noted that Women outnumbered men two-to-one, and the men were subdued. In the wake of the ME TOO movement, men are intimidated and afraid to talk to us until we determine what they can say. That is more power than I need, and more than Women should have, which speaks to how my FLR is evolving.
I am thinking that a healthy marriage can’t be as one-sided as I have portrayed, and so far practiced. Although I have always viewed my parents’ marriage as healthy with my Mother strictly in charge and requiring my dad’s obedience, I now, in my own marriage I am increasingly concerned with abuse that demeans or devalues my marriage partner. Women have seen much of this in the past by emotionally-abusive men, and now that things are reversed, I am beginning to think that in a healthy marriage relationship, both partners need the ability to negotiate and compromise, and there has to be a degree of mutual sacrifice – for the welfare of our relationship and mental health of my husband.
I think there may be what someone has called “controlling abuse.” I am thinking of when I use my power to prohibit my husband from making any independent decisions, control how he spends his free time, what he wears, what friends he chooses, how much time he spends with friends or family, what and how he thinks.
I am beginning to think that the level of control I am exercising over him may be abusive. We are talking through it together. I am trying to figure out how I may have to change in order for him to be a healthy responsible man/marriage partner, and feel free to assert himself more, and be able to ask me anything and receive an appropriate loving response. We are also working out what degree my power over him is just fetish, and what part he subscribes to because I am superior.
There’s no question that I will retain final authority, and final decision-making but I want it to be a relationship where I lead, but he is himself, and is contributing to the relationship in terms of his intelligence, personality, opinions, and where we decide together where he can act or decide independently from my authority.
I certainly believe that we, as Women, need to be in control of our society at all levels. While I prefer to refer to God in the Feminine (because She created both male and Female in Her image and the Female certainly was created with superior traits and capabilities), I have to believe that She values men as well as Women, and it will be unfortunate if we enslave them, or are unloving or disrespectful to them.
My personal dominance of men in my office (professional equals) I believe is a result of being open, friendly, and approachable. When combined with a “dash” of flirtatiousness, it is a recipe for respect and appreciation both ways, but it ends up in the men wanting to please and serve me. Meaning, that I believe I am the opposite of that Woman whom men are afraid to talk to.
I have all the freedoms and power, but I am leading the relationship in such a way that my husband has the freedom to be the man I married, for reasons I married him. He should have his own personality and individuality, and freedom to make decisions, at least within certain parameters.
Granting him these freedoms will help my husband because he will maintain (or in some cases restore) his personality, individuality, and confidence. He will also now be able to make decisions and make choices, again within parameters. Even where the decisions are not available to him, he will have fair input to the decision which will be made by me. Our relationship will benefit because of his confidence level, and because we will both be free to use our strengths to bear on the pre-determined direction(s) of the marriage. Both partners in the relationship have to be happy and fulfilled to make a happy and rewarding, and purposeful marriage.
At first, I thought I would NOT benefit, because I would be giving up some control and scaling back my authority. However, since starting this, he is much happier and more motivated, and I don’t have to make EVERY little decision, and the communication we have at new levels and early in looming decisions or processes, that communication is eliminating the possibility and need for absolute obedience on his part. I have discovered that I don’t have time to be his Mom, and I prefer to be his dominant Wife.
Make no mistake, I am still the final authority, and he fully supports my leading the relationship and being in control. But we are benefiting from “partnering” in more areas, and admitting that each of us has strengths and weaknesses, which is hard for me to admit of myself, but it is true. It is productive to depend on the other partner where his/her strengths can compensate for weaknesses. Personally, I gain a more competent, happy partner. I gain time to concentrate on our relationship needs and the direction of our marriage and the fulfillment of my mate personally. I gain more time for myself by not having to micromanage everything, make every decision, and police his obedience. I have traded punishment for disobedience, for meaningful communication and unity of purpose and goals, and this, I believe, will improve our relationship dramatically.
~Ashley
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I’d luv to hear your sub hubby’s point of view. I am curious to ask if he feels you’ve distanced yourself from him and if he feels more alone now that you don’t seem to care enough to manage him as tightly as you once did. His independence seems great, but sounds also like lack of your interest. When someone is intensely interested, they can be very obnoxious, even to the point they look at themselves and see it. But that taken aback feeling, it’s because you’ve stepped back, and seen through less passionate eyes. I worry…
Thank you for your insightful questioning. I assure you there is no relationship “drift” with respect to any lack of interest or caring. We have only been married for 5 months, and together over two years. We are very committed to each other and together as we move forward. But we agree together about the obvious – I am dominant, and he is submissive, and I am more qualified to lead and exercise my authority in our relationship. That doesn’t mean, however, that I won’t rely on his strengths and abilities. I just want to make sure my husband is fulfilled in his life as a whole, not just in our home. He is a professional, and I want him to achieve to his highest potential professionally, personally, and spiritually. We don’t need his income, so he works Part-time so he can serve and support me. Perhaps he will comment at come point.
Ashley, What a thoughtful and well written post on your evolving relationship. Because you are open to the idea that things can always be improved, you seem headed in the right direction.
I have been in a FLR for about 2 decades now. It has been intense at times and almost non-existent other times. Because of the demands of life and of making progress in our own personnel goals, we have gone off and focused on our own seperate lives for a time over the years and it’s been healthy. Recently we recommitted to my wife being the full time alpha and me falling into my preferred role as the beta. As our relationship is now, I serve my wife when we are together and she calls the shots that she wasn’t to call. When we are going about our own separate days, I do things in service to her, but I also make my own plans and do my own thing. Overall, my wife has final say, but I maintain control over my life when we are apart. In addition, she respects our mutual need to have activities that don’t include each other. She has her friends and I have mine, and we have mutual friends. All of this works great for both of us since she gets the service and attention she deserves, I get the submission and obedience I crave, and we both get to experience our “self” outside of the relationship.
Good luck Ashley in finding a good balance for your and your husband. It sounds like you are are the right path.
-Martin
Ashley, Than you again for sharing. A relevant topic for many of us in FLRs. My wife also enjoys a high level of what I will call “leadership” in our household. Admittedly, I have encouraged it over the years and it has grown in our marriage.
I am also very eager to carry out any need or anything she asks. Striking the balance is important and something I think she monitors so that I enjoy things outside of work and pleasing her.
This was very well written Ashley. I am impressed with how honest you are being with yourself.
For me, it was all about respect when my wife and I settled into our FLR. I made it clear early on that I was happy to serve her wishes, but that she needed to respect me for that.
It has led to a relationship very much like the one you are describing, and it is working well
Hello Ashley thanks for this story. I want to comment these your words :
“I certainly believe that we, as Women, need to be in control of our society at all levels. While I prefer to refer to God in the Feminine (because She created both male and Female in Her image and the Female certainly was created with superior traits and capabilities)”
As a man I’m feeling the same, and totaly agree, and these words as a melody for my heart. Thanks our Goddes for wise and dominative WOMEN like YOU
Spend the day in family court and you will see the abuse you talk about is nothing.
Just some thoughts from a Repentant:
Learning to be obedient all over again.
This right here changed how I believe and what I believe when it comes to ‘Submission’. This was the leather whip to my ego. Ephesians 5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” I was convicted of what I once was taught and came to believe as truth. I’ve also come to the conclusion that there is motive in not teaching this to men. The point of not teaching it has led the way for divorce rates among Believers i.e. Christianity to reach an all-time high eclipsing other Beliefs/Cultures. Even this, a very small thing that gets overlooked is also convicting; Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.” What is ‘MEEK”? Meek: meek – mēk – adjective: Showing patience and humility; gentle. Easily imposed on; submissive. transitive verb: To make meek; to nurture in gentleness and humility. If I’m to be obedient unto my God and His Word then I must be and do the verb-action and submit to the one I love after I’ve submitted to Him. Being loving and caring; lifting Her up, giving Her something to be happy about with me and in daily life is my goal as a man. We all know what the opposite entails and and delivers, no man in his right mind would ever want nor desire to walk through that valley of the shadow of hellishness of self-affliction. Common Sense, oops, should have know. That doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden. Some men have dry ground in their gardens where nothing grows. After my own ego spanking I’ve really changed towards women in general. I’ve come closer with the woman that I dearly love. As the days, weeks, months have gone by I understand where she comes from when we conversate. I’m acceptant of Her being the one with authority over my loyalty and love. I’ve accepted being arrested by Her. She’s the Warden of my heart and love. In submission, I’ve never been more confident and free to be the real me, my true self. I tend to keep it simple when talking about this instead of going off into New Age territory. I’m sorry if that offends, I really do but that’s me in how I believe now. I keep it to exposing the truth about how us as men that are Believers in God and His Word have been purposefully lied to and misinformed. Just like in all things, reform is needed and that takes willingness and action to take place. If you believe in the devil, then you’ll believe in that the one thing that has ben the ultimate target and that is the relationship between Male and Female to rip us apart from each other to cause strife and hatred which leads to division. Any relationship that has ego as a driver of division suffers greatly. Male Ego is the number one killer of marriages and relationship since we are more Bullheaded than you women are. We as men are stubborn, I must admit and confess that. In order to have a wholesome intellectual conversation it must be filled with honest transparency. In my own personal conversation during my time of self-reflection to which led to my ego being spanked that was the key issue that I had to make law on myself. I’ more hard on myself now than ever before in life at the age of 45 soon to be 46. How else was I going to ever connect mentally and soulfully with a woman if I did not change myself and allow myself to be changed for the better? I had to make myself submit. I now have that same virgin feeling I once had as a teen boy as a newly submissive man. Here’s another thing I had to accept as truth; all relationships are really Female Led in one way or another and we all grew up under some form of Matriarchy. There’s no such thing as true Patriarchy. Not even in the wild of nature that exist i.e. The King Lion & Queen Lioness. Who runs things between them two?
In closing; I’ve learned to say Yes’ mam and No’ mam again and how to be a Good Boy again. I have repented for my sins. Learning to be obedient all over again.
Mr. K
I think in a loving FLR the woman responds to the man’s support in the same way. This is what you also did.
I think it’s all about respect! When a woman does not respect her husband, she will abuse him. That leads to toxic femininity.