She Makes Policy and I Work Out The Details

Hi! I am Erik. In daily life I work as director of an investment management firm (co-owned by myself). My work is not my hobby, but it comes close especially during periods in which markets are good. But the real hobbies – independent of markets, lol – are chess (bit similar to work), swimming, music (playing the piano), and doing nice things with my gf Mudiwa. These nice things can range from going out for dinner, a party, seeing amove, a wine tasting to short-stay city trips and longer holidays. We both love travel. Both I and Mudiwa are pretty close with our respective families, but they all live relatively far away from each other. When look at ‘us’, our own family consists at the moment of just her and me. But we won’t rule out adding newcomers soon 🙂 But only after marriage!

I myself knew that I like a certain power imbalance in relationships. But although I checked out the BDSM world online, it was immediately clear that it was not ME. But it wasn’t until I met Mudiwa that I knew what was happening and what it was that I was looking for, a Female Led Relationship. Together we discovered this, with Mudiwa knowing more than I did. I had the feeling that this was finally a relationship in which I could be ME, as opposed to playing a kind of role.

The biggest benefit for us has been that the power balance is a natural one, as a result of which we truly operate as a TEAM. We did not really have big challenges as far as interaction with each other is concerned. The challenge is most likely the reactions of outsiders (friends, family) who will one or the other way assume that it is freaky, kinky or even worse: BDSM. Our task therefore to show that we are happy and that this works for us, without signs of being freaky! I am proud that I did not just ‘define’ things for myself (together with Mudiwa), but that I am also willing to tell people that I am in a Female Led Relationship.

I think that in our case the perfect fit is the result of a Love-based power imbalance in which Mudiwa leads most of the time but not in a template-like manner. We go from case to case and topic to topic. Based on our expertise we will then more or less automatically decide who will lead. We sometimes joke saying that if Mudiwa is the Queen or Princess in her Kingdom, that I am then the Prime Minister. She makes policy and I work out details. She reigns and I support and serve.

Now it is a matter of being firm, explaining to others why this works for us and not just that: why it is not so weird. If let’s say 2 out of 3 men are natural dominants and 1 out of 3 women are natural dominants, then a true natural FLR couple is a relationship type that works best for 1/3 times. 1/3 = 11 percent of the people. And that is still a huge group in society.

In previous, non-FLR relationships I did often struggle with communication and lack of clarity. With Mudiwa all this is much easier. At home we have clear rules and I try to adhere to them as much as I can. And not just that, I show my dedication in a pro-active manner. One of the things Mudiwa and I enjoy most is when she allows me to be her personal assistant when dressing up. I find it a relaxing time together when helping her with her clothes, nails, makeup and hair. My family has a fashion background and it is nice to see that Mudiwa appreciates my feedback and suggestions. Whenever my contribution (style suggestions or hands-on support tasks) was good, she shows me her appreciation with compliments and tokens of affection. It makes me very happy; a kind of happiness that I did not know to this extent in most of my other relationships earlier in life.

The nice thing is that by being so actively involved with Mudiwa’s styling, she also provided me with sufficient knowledge about what she likes in this respect. Result: whenever I see nice things for her in the mall or at a specialized store, it is relatively easy for me to translate this into a surprise token of dedication. Obviously I know the sizes she wears.

It may sound weird but for me the biggest gain when comparing FLR with ordinary relationships is in its clarity. Of course, like in any love-based relationship between two people there will always be little misunderstandings and conflicts. But in FLR these can be dealt with in a clear and straightforward manner. The clear distribution of tasks in the relationship helps as well. It is therefore hardly ever that we have issues that last longer than a few hours, with each one of us understanding the other very well. Since our relationship is based on love with a big capital L, we both try to be fair and judge the behavior of the other based on the clear rules and distribution of tasks set out in the beginning. Whenever things do lead to little tensions along the way, we can easily incorporate them in an update of the rules / distribution of tasks. This way the structure of our FLR relationship is capable of strengthening our love even further.

Does that mean that in FLR nothing could lead to a bigger conflict? No, that would not be realistic. But when it is more severe, we do know exactly how to solve it. After all Mudiwa is in charge. I find it much easier to show dedication and love in such a clear-cut setting than in one guided by far more complicated communication (or lack thereof) in earlier relationships.